Memorial Day Fun!

Evidence

It's everywhere.

on the fridge

in our living room

on the bathroom floor

in the tub

in the wash (I do twice as much laundry now)

in the yard

But most importantly in our hearts. 

All We Know

The girls, K and S, are 4 and 2 respectively. K is enamored with Jason. He had to go to work for a little bit today and she has been asking about him ever since he left. She climbs up on his chair just to sit with him. She asked him to read a story last night, and the only way I could get her to take a nap today was to tell her that he was coming home when she got up.

S is in Jason's Super Foster Dad's lap and K is clinging. The girls and I were getting ready to leave to check out their new daycare and he was going to work for a few hours.

We have no idea how long we will have the girls. DSS is looking for a home that is able to take all four of the children, so I am preparing my heart to say goodbye to them any time; but we could have them for a while. We just don't know.

Thank ya'll so much for your thoughts, good wishes, and prayers. I covet each and every one of them. Please stay tuned to hear more about what the girls are up to and how J and I are doing.

Bull Fighting

I bought my ticket. But this time, I marched right down to the ring with my red cape and tight pants (YIKES) and looked the bull in the eye with my hands on my hips.

We got placed with two beautiful little girls this evening. Jason is an amazing daddy playing hide and go seek, doing story time, and giving rides on his lap through the house.

More tomorrow as I'm exhausted.

Waiting

What?!?! You want me to wait some more?

It seems that every time I close a chapter in this whole fostering thing, I have to wait to open the next one. Hence the blog title.

So, Jason and I finished up our Home Study this morning with the Social Worker. I was kind of expecting a congratulations or a standing ovation or something, but all she said at the end was “welcome and thank you for your hard work and dedication to the children in our county”.

So now we wait.

And it could be a long wait, too since our county has only placed one case since the beginning of the year. Of course, that’s wonderful for the children here since that means parents are doing what they are supposed to do and taking good care of their kids. For us though, not so good I guess. Does that sound selfish? We may not have to wait that long since our county is loaning out their FPs to other surrounding agencies who may need us.

I’m used to waiting for things. My mother raised us girls to not ask for things, you were supposed to wait for it to be offered to you. That was real fun watching all the other kids get to ride the Sea Doos while we waited on the beach. But, with this, I was hoping that the social worker would walk down our front steps to leave only to turn around abruptly and say she forgot that she actually had a placement for us and he/she is waiting in the car. A girl can dream, right?

And so the wait begins……again.

Check out the paper trail!

We only have one more visit with the social worker before we are actively waiting.

Part of me feels like this journey is coming to an end, when really it's only just beginning. Thanks for hanging in there through the bumps, twists, and turns, ya'll!

A Little Understanding

Baggage

Don't you hate it when you come back from vacation and reality hits you in the face? It's like for four days I was able to forget all that we'd been through in the last year and as soon as we walk

through the door, it all comes flooding back. *To include the cat screaming at me at the top of her little kitty lungs, "Where the eff have you been all weekend and when will you feed me?" One cat for sale.

So how is it that I got over the whole not-having-my-own-Kbombs thing really quickly this time around? Am I becoming numb to it? Uh, no. I'm pushing through. I'm s-l-o-w-l-y coming to realize that this thing is not going away, that God is not going to say, "Oops! I meant this whole thing for someone else, so ya'll can start having sex like rabbits again cause it will pay off." I get that my kids will never be like your kids. Their needs will be different from your kids' needs. When your kid is throwing a temper tantrum because he/she wants ice cream, it's really cause they want ice cream. However when my kid throws a temper tantrum because they want ice cream, it's because they just had a visit with their birthmom who didn't like the way their hair was fixed, talked about their father who abused them, and made doing well in school seem like a stupid thing to do. My kid's temper tantrum about ice cream is because of the feelings they have about the visit and the fact that they have no way of naming these feelings much less how to express them. So, my kid gets ice cream. If that's what it takes to get through the visits each week. Much in the same way vino has helped me to get through this bizarre way of building our family. What helps you get through it? Chocolate? Ice cream? Vino? (those were off the top of my head)

First Home Visit

I was worried for nothing. It was a piece of cake. The social worker came over to the house, (which was spotless might I add) and the four of us (Cassie sat on the floor staring up at her for the whole hour and a half she was at our house) just talked about the things that have been covered in class so far and what we thought about them. The next step is for Jason and I to make appointments to meet with her separately so we can go over our genogram in more depth, and also to go over our homework which covers such areas as the different losses we have been through in our lives, how we were disciplined growing up, who provided guidance for us when we were growing up.

Bible Study

Come to me, all you who labor and are heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart; and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light. Matthew 11-28-30

This was on one of the hand outs from class last night in regards to discipline and how it should never be distorted to mean punishment. But, you know I looked at it in a different way and there have been other things in the last few days that have been speaking to me sort of. (I don't hear voices, so please no one call Tuckers) Through out this whole process, I've been praying like mad. But, I haven't really been in the Word. So, imagine my surprise when I'm getting all these little hints to come to God with my questions and what I'm feeling. My mother was right. I'm hardheaded.

Four days in Atlantic to lighten my load and give me a fresh perspective on life and what the heck is going on with mine. Just what I needed. And, how awesome to know that even when my burden may be heavy, I can learn from the Word and lean on the Rock!

*Disclaimer: No cats were harmed in the writing of this blog post or in the going on vacay. Cassie had plenty of food and water to last her an entire week. Her grandmother, aka my mother in law, even came by to play with her and give her a treat on Saturday. Spoiled.

Foolishness

A very dear friend took me to Target last night to help me finish my registry. After a bottle of wine no less, so I really should go online today just to double check what we scanned.

I considered registering for breast pads.


Just to see what people would say.

Foster Parent Training Class Week 2

This is hard. This week's class was hard. Very hard. It took all my strength not to cry for the last hour of class. There are some harsh realities I'm not so sure I was ready to face. I want to be a mom. Not a half-mom or a quasi-mom. A mom. It's all I've wanted for as long as I can remember.

Being a foster mom is not being a mom really. We will have to get consent from the birthparents (BP) for everything from hair cuts to getting them treated at a hospital- God forbid they ever need it. If the children regularly attend a church or synagogue, it is suggested that we take them to the one the BPs want us to. I love my church and don't want to leave it just to take our foster kids to the church where their parents attend, if this happens in the first place, really.

I know this post is selfish, but it's reality. I can't help it. And let's face it, I think we're all a bit selfish when it comes down to it.

Today, we had Salvation Army come to pick up two pieces of furniture that we have been meaning to get rid of for a while now. The study-soon-to-be-kids-room is so empty now with just a computer desk and file cabinet. It kind of makes things more real for me, like we're getting close to becoming parents.

Friday night our pregnant friends came over for dinner. One girl looks as though she could have her little boy at any second and it took all the self control I have (which, let's face it isn't a lot) to not walk in front of her with my arms under her crouch waiting for the baby to drop out. So, we watched 24; two weeks worth. (Lolo, no scolding here- we've been busy. But you were right. Two VERY good episodes) And, I found myself staring at this girls' belly a lot. Like, trying to see if I could see the baby move or something. Every time I caught myself, I was so glad she didn't see.

Remember when you were a kid and you wanted that cabbage patch kid so bad? You wrote an extremely long letter to Santa reminding him of how good you'd been that year. You did all your chores and told your parents you didn't need your allowance that week. You came home from school and completed all your homework before mom had to ask if you'd finish. You ate all your vegetables. You didn't pick on your younger sibling. at. all. You didn't argue when mom or dad asked you to do something.

Yeah, that's what this is like. I wish there were some bargain I could make with God that would make it possible for me to get knocked up. I would do anything. I would even give up wine. GASP! Well, almost anything.

PS I know it took me a while to post this, but I've been having issues with pictures and was trying to fix it.

I've Got Homework Already!

See this book? That's 3 inches of stuff I'm going to learn in the next nine weeks. Daunting isn't it?

Our first class went very well with introductions all around the room. J and I are 1 of the 2 couples who are going into this fostering thing without any children of our own. There are a few families who are taking these classes in order to foster a family member. We also watched a video of a (perfect) foster family where there were two children in the home. One teenager and one child probably around 6 or 7 years old. At one point, the mom is telling the younger son that its time for dinner and he turns around and says he's not hungry, "bitch". I had my back turned to J, but I could feel his eyes get huge and bulge out of his head. Mom did exactly was she should have done and addressed the real issue at hand, not the fact that he called her a bitch. I can only hope I have that same level of patience. Ya'll start praying now, cause I'll need it!

I wasn't expecting a foster mom to be in on the training, but it was nice to hear the story of her family; they have 4 kids and are into the adoption phaze with 2 of them right now.

One thing that struck me was that we could possibly have a child/children for a long time and then they could go back to their birthparents. And, by long time, I mean at least a year. I didn't count on loosing children once they were placed with us. I mean, we're doing the foster/adopt thing, so that doesn't pertain to us, right? WRONG! There's a reason foster comes first in foster/adopt.

And what's up with the homework idea? I haven't had homework for 10 years now. Since I was in college. The only good thing about the homework is that we each have to do it and turn it in . J can't cheat off mine. HA!

Disaster!

First foster parent training class tonight.

And, no wine.



What's a girl to do?

The Road Less Traveled

After our very first ever foster parent training class was canceled due to snow, I was feeling pretty down about the entire process. I guess having dinner with three, yes 3 pregnant women doesn't help, either, but a great friend of mine has offered to throw me a shower. I mean is there such a thing? What would you call it? The Yay, I'm a Foster Parent Shower? How about the I may not be getting a baby, but what the hell shower?

So, I trotted my ever so slowly shrinking ass on over to Target.com to check things out. The options were: Baby Registry, Club Wed, or Target List. I created a Target list since there is no guarantee that Jason and I will be receiving an infant. Although, if God took bribes this would be the area I would focus on. But that is a totally different post that is hopefully coming soon. I also registered at Kohls.com since they have a great selection of kids clothes and they are always running a sale, so I figured that my shower invitees could go there and get a great deal. Plus that means more for the K-bombs, right?

Then the question is: What do we register for? How do we prepare for children ages 0-5 years? And you think you have a lot on your plate. I started with twin bed sheets and crib sheets. That's as far as I got. I'm also thinking pajamas, socks, toothbrushes, children's medicine, diapers of every size, underwear, bottles, sippy cups, some bath toys maybe, baby blankets, onesies... The list could go on and on but you get the idea. Is there something you would definitely register for if you were my situation? By all means, leave a comment. Plus, I need to know people are still reading this stupid thing.

Needless to say, I am so excited about the upcoming shower festivities! And, the best part: no stupid games. No measuring my belly, no eating baby food (maybe I should register for some of that), no smelling a diaper, and no baby word games, either.

If I had my choice, we'd all have margaritas to celebrate my entrance into motherhood.

Waiting

Someone asked me the other day if J and I were ready to be foster parents and all that it includes. She was refering to the possible emotional struggles we will go through. I looked her in the eye and contemplated and encouraging "Yes, of course we're ready." But instead, I was honest. "No, we aren't, but we're on the road that God wants us to be on and that's what matters. He'll take care of the small stuff." The small stuff being my heart I guess.

How am I supposed to guard my heart from falling head over heals in love with the children God brings into our home and at the same time, love the same children like they've probably never been loved before? Small stuff.

How do we prepare for small children of any age? What do we buy ahead of time and what can wait? Small stuff.

What is our new life going to look like and how will we handle potential weekly birthparent visits? Small stuff.

How do I prepare my heart for dissapointment when we aren't placed with an infant? Is that selfish? I can't help it. I've wanted to be the best mother I can be for as long as I can remember. Small stuff.

What helps is this:

When no one else could get Dakota to sleep, my husband could. He just sat and rocked with her and talked to her quietly while the rest of us watched Jack bring the shizit down on 24. So glad one of us is not anxious about becoming an insta-family in a few weeks.

So, now I wait. I have questions and lists of things to do that keeps me up at night and my mind occupied at work, but I wait. Because that's all I can do right now. Actually, I think I'm getting pretty good at waiting if you ask me.

Haitian Relief at Our House?

I think I've lost my mind. Or God has lost His.

A really good friend of mine called this morning to let me know she had learned that Catholic Charities here in Richmond is looking for homes for Haitian children who have been displaced by the horrible earth quake 8 days ago. Now, I'm hearing this information third hand, but it comes from reliable sources. I know there were some 53 children whose orphanage collapsed in the quake that were brought to PA a few days ago, but these children have already been matched with adoptive families and were only waiting on the legal crap to be handled at the time of the earth quake. There were only 7 children who had not been matched with an American family on that plane.

But, there is a rescue operation in the works that could potentially bring hundreds or thousands of displaced Haitian children here to the US. You can read the article from the Miami Herald here and one from the China Daily here. "Operation Pierre Pan" is set in motion but may take weeks in implement making sure that children are really orphaned and there isn't a relative in Haiti that would take them.

I've already sent J an email at work asking what he thought of possibly taking in some refugee children if the opportunity presented itself. I know I'm probably jumping the gun on this one, but it's better to already have it in my brain that it's a possibility. Plus, it will give J and I time to pray on it and talk everything out, and do research.

So, here's when I ask you for a favor. Please pray with J and I as we consider adopting from Haiti if the government does what it says its going to do. Pray for clarity and discernment in our decision making. Pray, too that if this is what God wants us to do, He uses a large neon sign to let us know.