I'm sorry

You know, I've apologized for a lot of things in my life. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes. Upon realizing that I've made a mistake and potentially hurt someone I love I make amends, no matter what that may look like. It could be a card in the mail because the person on the other end of my ass-headedness is too far of a drive. It could be a heart-felt "I'm sorry" and a hug. If you're J, it's an I'm sorry and hopefully a romp in the sack before the day is out. It could be your favorite cupcake from a specialty bakery (OK, this isn't mine, but it did happen to me when I was the one that had been hurt).

I've never felt the need to apologize for something that wasn't my fault or for something that was out of my control until yesterday. I apologized to my mother for not being able to give her the biological (possibly red-headed) grandchilden I'm sure she so desperately wanted. Don't get me wrong, I know mom is very excited for what is happening in our lives and supports us to the Nth degree. But she just wants life to be easy for me. She wanted me to experience pregnancy- all the aches and pains that go with it, too. She wanted me to experience breast feeding because she knew I'd be better at it than she was. She wanted to see the look on my face when I held my baby for the first time.

I explained to her that if my life was easy, I wouldn't have the relationship with God that I have and so desperately need. I haven't always chosen to do what He asks, or follow the path He has marked for me, but in the last 10 or so years, I have. And what a difference! A year in Belize serving those (who appear to be) less fortunate than I. Teaching first grade for two years at a great school. Marrying the man I truly love. And now, having a family (not the way I wanted, but I'm still having a family, right?)

So, after some tears and hugs and lots of wine (Duh!) I think she understands why J and chose to be foster parents. She thinks J is being selfish by not wanting to do the whole donor sperm thing, but I assured her it was OUR decision, not his alone. I told her that this is what God wants us to do and He knows how badly I want to have a baby. I have to trust that He will bless me. Otherwise, there's nothing.

So mom, I'm sorry if I dissapointed you but this is out of my hands. I love you.


Mrs. Pink Pearls said...

Kate I truly admire you. Your path has no been easy and no matter what you always find it in your heart to be positive. I think what you and J are doing is such a great thing for both of you as well as for the child you will have. I support you both and we, (even John!!) are here for you guys. ((bigs hugs))

Jennifer said...

Give your mom time and a chance to pray on it...she'll understand and be there with you every step of the way. Do you need me to fly into Richmond and hit that bakery again??? Only this time, it won't be an I'm sorry cupcake but instead an It'll be alright cupcake. I'm here if you need to vent..yeah, 675 miles away, but still here. I love you.