I've never felt the need to apologize for something that wasn't my fault or for something that was out of my control until yesterday. I apologized to my mother for not being able to give her the biological (possibly red-headed) grandchilden I'm sure she so desperately wanted. Don't get me wrong, I know mom is very excited for what is happening in our lives and supports us to the Nth degree. But she just wants life to be easy for me. She wanted me to experience pregnancy- all the aches and pains that go with it, too. She wanted me to experience breast feeding because she knew I'd be better at it than she was. She wanted to see the look on my face when I held my baby for the first time.
I explained to her that if my life was easy, I wouldn't have the relationship with God that I have and so desperately need. I haven't always chosen to do what He asks, or follow the path He has marked for me, but in the last 10 or so years, I have. And what a difference! A year in Belize serving those (who appear to be) less fortunate than I. Teaching first grade for two years at a great school. Marrying the man I truly love. And now, having a family (not the way I wanted, but I'm still having a family, right?)
So, after some tears and hugs and lots of wine (Duh!) I think she understands why J and chose to be foster parents. She thinks J is being selfish by not wanting to do the whole donor sperm thing, but I assured her it was OUR decision, not his alone. I told her that this is what God wants us to do and He knows how badly I want to have a baby. I have to trust that He will bless me. Otherwise, there's nothing.
So mom, I'm sorry if I dissapointed you but this is out of my hands. I love you.