Waiting

Someone asked me the other day if J and I were ready to be foster parents and all that it includes. She was refering to the possible emotional struggles we will go through. I looked her in the eye and contemplated and encouraging "Yes, of course we're ready." But instead, I was honest. "No, we aren't, but we're on the road that God wants us to be on and that's what matters. He'll take care of the small stuff." The small stuff being my heart I guess.

How am I supposed to guard my heart from falling head over heals in love with the children God brings into our home and at the same time, love the same children like they've probably never been loved before? Small stuff.

How do we prepare for small children of any age? What do we buy ahead of time and what can wait? Small stuff.

What is our new life going to look like and how will we handle potential weekly birthparent visits? Small stuff.

How do I prepare my heart for dissapointment when we aren't placed with an infant? Is that selfish? I can't help it. I've wanted to be the best mother I can be for as long as I can remember. Small stuff.

What helps is this:

When no one else could get Dakota to sleep, my husband could. He just sat and rocked with her and talked to her quietly while the rest of us watched Jack bring the shizit down on 24. So glad one of us is not anxious about becoming an insta-family in a few weeks.

So, now I wait. I have questions and lists of things to do that keeps me up at night and my mind occupied at work, but I wait. Because that's all I can do right now. Actually, I think I'm getting pretty good at waiting if you ask me.