No One Ever Said

that trying to have a baby would be like playing games in the back yard when you're a kid. How many times do you swing and miss only to realize you're out this inning? How long do you work on getting the game right only to have someone change the rules on you? All you want is one home run, but you keep getting stopped at first, second, and then third; just waiting for the ref to yell: "You're outta there!" And then to find out you can't play because you're sick only sucks that much more. Except you can't go in the house crying to your mother because no one chose you to be on their team. You're in this alone even though you wish someone would just push you in the right direction.

J has a SA (sperm analysis) this Wednesday morning. If we can get a sample, I will leave the house right afterward and drive them to the clinic. Do you think a pep talk would help? "Show your best side, guys! Make Poppa proud!"

I scheduled an appointment with a fertility doc for August 4th. I made sure we would have the results of the SA by then so we could take it with us. I will also be taking my charts.

So, shouldn't I fell relieved at this point? Like we've got a direction to go in? I'm not relieved. I'm afraid. Afraid of what you ask? The unknown. And this is where my faith is supposed to come into play, right? It's been so easy to have faith in God in other things in my life, but I've never wanted anything so badly in my whole life. What if God says no? Why isn't this situation something I can control? Why isn't it enough for J and I to have sex and then I get KU?

Whenever I have a lack of faith, I remember this quote:

"When you come to the edge of everything you have ever known,FAITH is knowing one of two things will happen; there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly."

And I will leave you with that.

~Kate~